The Fire Within, Part 2

Posted on Sat Jun 6th, 2015 @ 8:15pm by Commander Rylie Cattmor & Lieutenant Jensen Foster

3,209 words; about a 16 minute read

Mission: What Dreams May Come
Location: Foster's Quarters
Timeline: A few days after The Passing of the Storm

Excerpt from "The Fire Within"

"If any of this got out, it would spell the end of your career in Starfleet." she concluded, in basic terms, and for the moment, making her choice in the moral conflict still raging in her head.

Lindell quickly cut in, "Oh would you just listen to yourself. This man has just confessed to you that he killed hundreds of people. You're guilty of similar, kitty cat, but unlike for you, there's no institution out here for him. You should put him in his place, now, destroy him; destroy his mind like you've done with so many others. He deserves whatever he gets, whatever comes to him, whatever worse things your mind can conjure up to turn his synapses into the consistency of kava juice..."

Staring at Cattmor with a slightly bewildered look on his face, "But you just sa-"

"Shut up!" Rylie shouted, the marking on her temples flaring slightly.


And now the conclusion.


Blinking rapidly, his dark gaze boring into the Frian woman's eyes, Jensen said, "I... I..." But he couldn't get the words to come out of his mouth. It was then that he got hit with just what Rylie was feeling. As he quietly wondered why she would be irritated with him, he noticed movement on the edge of his vision. Casting a quick, sideways glance, he caught sight of him. Jensen's sudden feelings of despair were laced with irritation; though he wasn't sure if the irritation was coming from himself or Rylie. Either way one thought rang through his mind, As if I didn't have to deal with an irritated superior, now you have to show up?

"You didn't think I'd leave that soon, did you, Jenny?" the whisper came, too close to his ear for comfort.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Cattmor said a bit flustered, with no-one really knowing who she was addressing, "This is a different place, a different time, and you need to realise that. This is not your place and it's also not your decision, because you're... you're..." she stuttered before she let the words 'not real' leave her mouth. Then by pausing she also realised that the damage was probably already done.

The confederate figure sighed and shook his head, "I was, and right now I'm as real as you need, and you do need me."

"I don't need you at all; I never did, not any more."

Staring at Cattmor, Jensen wasn't sure what to do or say. This was not how he'd expected this to go. Rylie's last words echoed in his mind, creating a loop that just kept going and going. And then there was the figure that stood just next to her. Blue hair and eyes gazing at him with a smile full of malice.

"She's right, you know. She doesn't need you, Jenny. She never did. She can handle all of her problems on her own. Just as you should handle your's all on your own. You don't need her. You've got me. You know what you have to do."

His gaze shifted towards the young man that stood to Cattmor's left, his eyes narrowing. Then he looked back at Cattmor, her words still echoing in his mind along with Cal'n's. He didn't know if he was stable enough or strong enough to handle his gift. And as he sat there, his mind buzzing with his emotions mixed with everyone else's, he feared that what Cal'n was saying was true. He did know what to do. It would be so easy to just... put everyone into comas. Turn them all into emotionless zombies or just simply kill them all. Silence the emotional tide once and for all.

But he wouldn't.

Getting off the couch, he began to pace, stomping his feet into the floor, running his hands through his hair - tugging on it in desperation. His eyes glanced from Cattmor to Cal'n, not sure who the hell he was going to address. But he spoke anyway. "I don't know what to do. I'm scared, okay? It hasn't been easy to carry around this secret for as long as I have. And while talking about it has helped a little, I'm still lost as to what to do next. I want to move on from it. I want to go on with my life."

"You don't need to be scared, Jenny. I'm here. We'll work through this together."

Oh, just shut up! While he didn't dare say it aloud, he knew the blue-haired man heard him. Jensen stopped pacing, and just looked at Cattmor. "I need your help, Rylie. I can't do this on my own. I'm not strong enough..."

"I need your help, Rylie; please help me, Rylie; please with cream smothered in frulaberry syrup." Lindell taunted, even though Cattmor was obviously the only one that could hear him. "Give me a break. Would you just do your job?!"

Cal'n wasn't the only one to hear Foster's 'request' to be quiet, as it was practically shouted in Rylie's mind as well, and then she was confused. Ignoring Lindell, she spoke to Foster directly, "You're as conflicted as I am." She said sadly. "Why did you ask me here, Jensen? Really."

Staring at the woman before him, suddenly feeling as if he were going to fall apart. Break into a million pieces. He felt like Humpty Dumpty. "All the king's horses and all the king's men... Couldn't put, poor Humpty together again..."

The look of confusion on Rylie's face held fast, while Jensen's smile was a mockery of what it should have been. Instead of joy, there was just sorrow. Hot tears suddenly blurred his vision, stinging his eyes sharply. "This would be easier if James were here, he'd be the grounding force I need right now. And I don't have the luxury, Rylie." Jensen wiped at his eyes, wishing that he could get his emotions under control. Wishing that Cal'n's ghost wasn't standing there, smiling cruelly at him. "You're right, I am conflicted. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I'm loosing my mind. And, damn it, I don't want to feel this way. I don't want Cal'n standing there, with that look on his face, telling me I know what I have to do. That it'd be so easy to just... kill everyone." Jensen wanted to just look at Cattmor, look into her eyes and search for... something, anything. But he couldn't bring himself to do it.

He didn't know what she'd say next and found that he was scared. Scared that another person would look at him and hate him for what he'd done. Not just on Vevaria, but all his life. His brother was the only person who'd ever treated him like a normal person. And after meeting Cattmor, he'd begun to feel as if she too could understand. That he'd found a kindred spirit. A friend.

"I know we're different. I know our gifts are on completely different spectrums. But since meeting you, I've felt as if I wasn't the only one like me. But, if we can't even help one another... I mean, look at what we did down on the holodeck? And our talk with T'mpest? Maybe I'm in the wrong here. I did ask you here. To tell you about what happened on Vevaria. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. I don't know any more. I just don't want you, or anyone else, to look at me the way he does. You're lucky you can't see him."

Jensen knew he probably sounded crazy. Hell, he sounded crazy to himself. But in that moment, his fear made him not care. If he was known as the 'Crazy Doctor' from this point forward, then so be it. At least he finally admitted everything that had been plaguing him for way to long now.

"You know," Lindell said while Rylie held onto her feelings of confusion, empathy, and anger a few seconds longer, "maybe I jumped the gun; let's face it, it wouldn't be the first time right? You two might not be so dissimilar after all. You're both as fruity as a nut cake." he smiled sardonically.

Cattmor couldn't help but get a reading on all of Jensen's thoughts at the fore, of James, of Cal'n, a vision she confirmed was not there for her but was no less real than Lindell was to her, and exactly what he was feeling. She took a deep breath before responding quietly, "We are different, Mister Foster, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad. I thank you for telling me the truth about what happened, but..." she faltered, "But perhaps I should just go. We can pick this up another time."

The vision of Lindell attempted to stop her with a word, "No, no, don't leave just yet kitty cat; this is just getting good."

"We're both obviously not of the right frame of mind right now to be dealing with this, and I think you'll agree that something like this needs to be handled with a little more privacy." Noticing the tears well in Jensen's eyes once again, she finally ended with, "I'm... I'm sorry." As she quickly headed for the door before her emotional walls fell.

Watching her head towards the door, Jensen said, his voice watery and rough, "So, that's it?" He was suddenly overcome with anger. Another person was just going to walk away? He was tired of people walking away. He'd had enough."You're just gonna walk away?"

Jensen watched as Rylie stopped, her body ramrod straight, yet shaking slightly. They'd come this far and truth be told, she didn't want to walk away. She could feel Jensen's anger and disappointment radiating from him like a hot flame, singeing the outer layers of her psyche as she stood there, silent.

"I know your past," Jensen went on, "it's full of holes and blank spaces. I know what happened with Petty Officer Vahn. I know the guilt you carry around, thinking you've buried it deep enough. I told you what I told you, so I could let go of my guilt. I may not know what it's like to be inside a person's mind when they die, to hear their last thought or even see their last memory. But damn it... I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO DIE!"

Cattmor clenched her jaw and closed her eyes at his words, the normally hidden hereditary markings around her eyes now flaring with an almost luminescent glow. She could also feel Lindell's gaze on her, smiling, knowing how and how much Foster's words were affecting her.

Foster's voice had echoed loudly around the room. His chest still heaved and his mind was on fire. He didn't want Cattmor to just leave. If he was going to open up to her and bear his whole soul to her, why couldn't she do the same? What kept her from opening up? His mind raced hot and white, his mind was a jumble of emotions... and in that instant the wine bottle exploded, sending a spray of flaming liquid, glass shards, and smoke into the air. The buzzing in his head calmed almost immediately and he took the opportunity to calm himself.

At the sound of the bottle smashing, Cattmor knew instantly what had happened, her shoulders tensing momentarily - she wasn't frightened, but she was shocked - a tear escaping from her eye, and instantly evaporating as it passed over the glowing marks.

Speaking gently,"You've done the best you could with the hands you've been dealt. But for crying out loud, would it kill you to let down your walls once in a while? You've blocked yourself off for so long, afraid of what you can do, I think it's time to let someone in. You're going to break, Rylie, it's only a matter of time. And I'd rather you do it here, with a friend, than alone and with no one to help. You and I are not just dangers to everyone around us, but to ourselves as well." Jensen just looked at her, waiting to see if she'd talk or continue towards the door.

Rylie slowly opened her eyes, replaying everything what Jensen had said. It was one thing to think these things of yourself, but to have another lay it out so succinctly was another thing entirely. Everything just hit home, and if it was the correct human phrase to think, Mister Foster had just really pushed her buttons. When she did speak, it wasn't with returned anger, but each word was deliberate, with a calm and quiet sadness, "Do you? Do you really know what it's like to die?" she rhetorically asked before even turning round.

"To be in someone's mind at that moment," she said, finally turning to face Jensen, and by definition Lindell also, "when their consciousness, their very soul passes across the veil to the unknown? To have part of your own soul, your very own sense of self go with them?" And that's when the glasses exploded joining the bottle. "To feel the very best parts of what makes you, you go as well?" Then the coffee table went the same way, the top smashing to tiny shards, the legs snapping at any point, and the contents falling into a heap on the floor, searing pain welling up behind her eyes. "I've personally killed one thousand, two hundred fifty-one people in my life, and that's only the one's I can remember."

She slowly stepped forward before going on, "Every time I let someone in, they die or someone gets seriously hurt, either from my actions, or my inactions. Do you really want me to open up?" she asked as she sent one of the light fixtures to oblivion. "Do you really want me to share?" she went on as another lamp went dark and she stepped forward again. "My mind is closed off for a reason, because I don't know what will happen if those gaps in my head were to suddenly fill in." Taking a small breath fighting back tears, she still went on, "If I break, it won't matter who I'm with, or where I am; you, your quarters, this ship; if it were to happen, there's nothing that could stop me taking everybody else with me!" And to punctuate her point, Rylie teek flung the dining table straight into the replicator sending a shower of sparks out into the room, the momentary but sharp pain in her head almost unbearable, her eyes forced closed for a few seconds.

Lindell just clapped slowly, "Better."

While he may have gotten a momentary calm after the wine bottle exploded, Jensen found that because of Cattmor's reactions, both verbal and physical, he was back to square one. His mind was flooded with her emotions, all of them, and his body felt hot and cold. The full strength of her emotions, which had washed over him tenfold, had the unexpected result of causing the mangled replicator and dining table to erupt in flames. Not just that, but what few light fixtures left in his quarters also erupted in flames, which began to slowly creep along the walls of his quarters. A steady, flickering, orange glow illuminated the area, causing shadows to jump and dance across the walls. In that moment, something in Jensen shattered and he found he couldn't stand to look at the woman before him.

A second later the fire suppressant system kicked on, dowsing everything and making the flames sputter and die. The only thing his eyes revealed was just how hurt he was by her actions and her affect on him. Once the flames had died, Jensen asked the ship's computer to shut off the spray.

"Wow... I didn't know you had that in you, Jenny. But wouldn't it have felt better to set her on fire?" Cal'n said, his voice tempting and sensual.

Speaking to both Cattmor and Cal'n, even though the former couldn't see the latter, his voice rough and deeply saddened, "You've done enough. I... I..." He swallowed back the lump in his throat and blinked his eyes rapidly, willing away the burning sensation at corners. Addressing Cattmor, his voice devoid of any emotion, he said, "I'm sorry, Lieutenant Commander. I was mistaken. We can't help one another. Now, please, leave my quarters." With that he turned away from the Frian woman, ending any further discussion. He didn't want to feel like he did, like he didn't fit in anywhere or with anyone. That, even with his gift and finding someone who might understand, he was still an outsider. An outsider who felt everything everyone felt. Feeling weary and holding back the tears that wanted to fall, he knew he just wanted her to leave. He wanted both of them to leave, but somehow figured that Cal'n was going to stick around a while longer.

Rylie's jaw clenched and she squeezed her eyes together tightly, one to stop the burning sensation and two to release the tears held there by her lashes. Once again, she didn't know what to say or what to do, and to top it all off she'd just been summarily thrown out of Jensen's quarters. Her mouth opened to say something, but no sound escaped, no words came, not even the woefully inadequate 'Sorry'. As she stared on at Jensen's back, Cattmor also took in the expression on Lindell's face, one of contemptuous loathing, and personifying the phrase 'You've done it now, pity you couldn't finish it'. But then, this was finished; Jensen had called it as such. Rylie could do little more than stand there speechless, taking in the damage, more damage they'd both caused, both involuntary and purposely. Who knew what T'mpest would say when she found out.

"Are you still here?" Lindell spurted with utmost animosity.

She could only shake her head in silence, before taking a step forward and stopping immediately. Vision or no, Lindell was right, she'd been dismissed and told to leave. She still didn't want to, but at that moment, Rylie had very little choice but to accept the request, and respect Jensen's privacy. And so she did the only thing she could do, she left.

"I do think, that was better than I could have done, if she'd seen me, Jenny! Bravo! And you know, what, just to drive home everything, I'm going to leave you - for now. Let you wallow in this. But I'll be back. Promise." And with that the ghost of his lover left, following after Cattmor with an eager step. It was only then, now that he was truly alone, that Jensen allowed himself to slip to the floor hot tears coursing down his cheeks. He let himself cry freely, his whole body shaking from his sobs, as the melodies of Bach swirled about in the darkness of his quarters and battered soul.

OFF:


Lieutenant Commander Rylie Cattmor
Executive Officer
USS Ranger

Lieutenant Jensen Foster
Chief Medical Officer
USS Ranger

 

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