The Uncertain Road

Posted on Sat Oct 31st, 2009 @ 12:25pm by Lieutenant Commander Eliza McAdams & Captain Elsie Halliwell

3,684 words; about a 18 minute read

Mission: Shoreleave - Welcoming Old Friends and New
Location: Personal Quarters
Timeline: Current

As Kerr stood before the sealed doors of Sonaata Parr’s assigned quarters, he could feel his heart quicken as the blood pumped about his ears. Coltan had always been a professional yet emotionally attached man, and with the joining, he seemed to find he took on a certain air of wisdom and calm that comes to those afforded with such age. And yet, at times, he’s gears shifted into that of a collected youth, relived over and over.

Even her name caused him to flutter. Sonaata. Beautiful and royal yet seductive. He may now be an elderly man haunting the body of a youthful counterpart, but Kerr could still be cast under the spell of such magic.

He stood a moment longer and then pressed the chime, breathing in steadily as it activated.

The quarters were compact, as was to be expected on a ship of this size, but opulence had always made Sonaata uncomfortable in any case and she certainly didn't ever expect special consideration. Part of the relief she had found in her diplomatic work was that Elas, beautiful though she believed her planet to be, was only a relatively minor player in Federation affairs and as such her official standing in terms of the planet's governance was of very little concern to the civilian politicians charged with maintaining the Federation's charter. It granted her a freedom she had not previously known and, free of the shackles of expectation, the woman had flourished. These humble quarters were a reflection of her independence and she cherished them, along with the gentle reminders of home that she had already placed about the room. Her grandmother's tapestry hung on one wall, illuminated by the candlelight that had replaced the room's overhead lighting. Sonaata preferred warm light and the room was littered with tiny flickering flames that cast faint shadows across the walls and floor.

Although she wasn't yet sure of the length of her stay, the Elasian had unpacked with complete thoroughness just the same and knelt beside the bookcase in the living room to arrange her books as the door chime sounded. Having had no intention to stray outside again for at least several hours, she had changed into a simple ivory coloured gown and unfastened her hair, affording her about as casual a look as Sonaata ever truly managed. With a faded, dusty novel rested against her knee, she lifted her face towards the door and gently called, "Come in."

The doors swished open silently to reveal the darkened yet comfortable atmosphere just beyond the threshold. Kerr stood still, momentarily unable to move for fear of shattering the glass of silence that extended before him. He cleared his throat, a feeble attempt of announcing his presence as he decidedly stepped into the room.

“Settled well, I see,� he said, matching the feel of the room by lowering his voice to just above a soft whisper. “You always did like the little touches of home, I remember. How are you?�

Sonaata rose slowly, somehow making it from her knees to her feet without there being any obvious transition other than the fact that she was closer to eye level. Her normal attire could appear quite cumbersome but the Elasian was used to navigating with long skirts and had found the style more comfortable than some of the contemporary designs she'd encountered since leaving Elas. Stretching her arm sideways, she deposited the book she was holding in the bookshelf and then let both hands drop comfortably in front of her, fingers laced as she smiled warmly at her visitor. In time, as he came to remember more, it was possibly that Coltan would realise just how much she was suffering beneath her tender facade but it was no means obvious from either her expression nor her mood in general.

"Quite well," she said, sincere only through sheer force of will that wouldn't allow her to be anything but. Canting her head to one side, Sonaata allowed her eyes to graze the troubled features of the man standing before her, again astonished by how familiar he seemed when, in truth, she'd only just laid eyes on him. Then she smiled softly. "Faring a little better than a certain starship Captain perhaps." The remark was made gently but there was no sense in avoiding the situation. This was incredibly complicated and Sonaata could only guess at how long she would be able to pretend that she was in any way sure of how to proceed but he had sought her out and despite his show of bravado, looked incredibly bewildered. As long as he needed support, she would deal with her own grief quietly. Sonaata nodded towards the couch. "Can I get you something to drink?"

Thinking his own thoughts of confusion and unfamiliarity, Kerr shook them, albeit briefly, from him mind and attempted to concentrate on the here and now. “Please,� he replied, a subtle sparkle twinkling in his eye. “Do you still have that bottle of red I gave you three years ago?� As if another thought spoke softly into his ear, his face altered and warmed into a smile. “Not that you would have brought it with you if you had.�

He stepped further into the room and took a seat opposite the woman.

Sonaata's smile didn't falter though her heart turned several somersaults along with her stomach, a moment's lapse in equilibrium that she covered up by retrieving her tea service from the back of the room where she had set it up only moment's earlier. Its silvery filigree was intricate and both the teapot and cups were quaintly adorned with curled legs and handles that gave the impression of climbing ivy and though the standard of the workmanship was obvious, the overall impression was not one of gaudy ornateness but simple elegance. It had belonged to her great grandmother and aside from being something of a tea fanatic, at least according to some, Sonaata simply liked the set. It reminded her of home.

As did the man sitting across from her as she eased into the single armchair and opened the teapot to scoop in some of the aromatic leaves from the little pot that housed them. No amount of discussion or thought could have prepared her for this moment, she realised that now. Amidst her determination to be strong for the man she had loved was the keening sorrow of having lost him, at least as she had known him, and yet Sonaata grieved in silence because that's how she dealt with most of her emotions. Besides, it was hardly going to make the matter any easier if she fell apart at the seams now. Lifting her eyes, she smiled at Coltan over the top of the teapot and remarked, "You're doing well." To qualify her compliment, she added, "Altir said it could take weeks for you to recall anything."

Coltan’s eyes warmed further as he smiled and took the cup of tea from her slender hand. Being privy to previous conversations between his previous host and Sonaata was both disconcerting and a comfort to him. Like eavesdropping on a topic that concerns you, you are both interested and yet apprehensive.

“I must admit, it comes in spits and spats,� he replied, taking a sip of tea to pause. “Like a jigsaw puzzle that I don’t have all the pieces to, I can see some of the picture but guess the rest.�

This was true. As he looked upon the woman, a stirring in his heart caused him to fly on the current of a love known only to him briefly. And yet, that love had a dark, sullen edge to it that he seemed to wade through, thick and heavy about him. “It’s a lot to get used to. And I’m still trying to find my feet in all of this.� He paused again, narrowing his eyes on the Ambassador and allowing them to betray a hint of his feelings. “You have brought me great comfort by coming here, Sonaata, and for that I am ever indebted to you.�

"I would have even had I not promised to." The simple honesty in her words needed no reiteration. Not only did she have nothing to gain from embellishments, Sonaata simply wasn't a deceitful person. It was true that she had always been respectful of Altir's particular cultural stance and with matters of past association being so contentious, she wouldn't have been quite so obvious with her presence had she felt it possibly wasn't desired, but she'd have come if only to say goodbye. Her docile features betrayed deep sadness for a moment, a wistful melancholy that lodged itself behind every expression her green eyes adopted as a means to mask it. Though Altir's death was recent, his loss had been a slow process that had commenced the moment they had both decided... Inwardly, the Elasian sighed. Never look back. He'd cautioned her that the new host might take that attitude. For now, perhaps it was best she simply took solace from the fact that Coltan seemed more receptive than that.

Easing back into her seat with her long fingers wrapped around her own cup of tea, Sonaata took a deep lungful of the spicy steam wafting from it and then took a small sip, willing the tension from her shoulders as she regarded the Trill with intent empathy for a moment and then quietly said, "It's all right to ask, you know. For all intents and purposes, my presence is not something others in your position typically condone but Altir felt..." Inhaling deeply, Sonaata corrected herself. "Or rather both Altir and Kerr felt that it would be beneficial. I can't say that their reason was entirely transparent to me, in some respects I'm as ignorant as you are." Her faint smile carried a touch of fond affection. "But I know that there was a reason and that was enough to bring me here. Only you can decide in the long term whether you really do need me but, for now, since I'm here, please don't feel you have to hold back." Her eyes met his. "You must have a lot of questions."

The words fell on deaf ears.

“I – I don’t have anything to ask, Sonaata,� the Trill replied, his brow locked in not only confusion but curiosity. Breaks in the memories that Coltan now possessed disconcerted him. Almost as much as the ones he did in fact remember. “I know that you are here for a reason, one that I have asked of you, but I cannot, for the lives of me, know what that reason is. I feel, deep within my belly, however, that I want you here. That... I need you here. And that comforts me.�

"I'm glad it's comfort that you feel." All things considered, it could have been any number of other emotions, each of which Altir had tried to warn her about in his own way. The past host had been enigmatic at times, so much so that Sonaata had been aware that she'd never truly known what was on his mind or in his heart at any given time, but she trusted him and, like Coltan, found solace in being here. It had been important enough to bend rules and, so far, it seemed as if the new blending was going to preserve at least a part of what she held so dear. Sonaata smiled. "But I also doubt that you are entirely without at least some curiosity." She gazed at the confused Trill gently for a moment and then leaned forward to set her tea on the table. "Perhaps if I pose one first, it might help." Green eyes, warm yet fathomless, met his across the short distance and the ambassador simply asked, "Who am I?"

Kerr sat there, a smile drifting across his face as he gently lifted the cup to his face. “Now, that, my dear,� he said, speaking in a confident and familiar tone, one that he was not quite prepared for, “is the question. I know who you are, Sonaata. But I am unsure as to why I know that. You bring me a waterfall of feelings when I look upon you, and I feel those from deep within my belly. As for where those feelings come from, I am at a loss. You are, to me, like a reflection in a mirror cracked. I can see pieces of you as clear as looking at my own hand… but some are so far from my reach, I feel that I don’t know you at all.�

"Understandable," Sonaata replied, with an empathy that ran deep enough to appear entirely genuine. It wasn't unusual for people to suspect she was being either sarcastic or that her constant ability to tend to the needs of others first was somehow an affected trait, but for the most part, it was very difficult to glean evidence of either from her demeanor. The sympathy in her eyes rang true and there was certainly nothing sarcastic about her tone. She gave a thoughtful sigh as she fell into silence for a moment or two, no amount of rehearsal having provided her with the perfect words with which to start her explanation.

"Altir and I met quite by accident," she said, her contemplation ending quite abruptly when she finally found her voice. Smiling faintly, she continued. "He had business on a starbase that was a stopover for me between summits. Not that I ever found out exactly what he was doing." Here, the Elasian's smile grew fond and she chuckled softly as she explained, warm eyes meeting Coltan's. "He was charming but...distant, in a way. Even when he did tell you something, there was always more beneath the surface that you'd never find out. Several delays put us on the same transport and I suppose that, as they say, was that. When we met again several months later at a Federation council meeting, I think we decided that we could take a hint. He invited me to visit Trill, which I took him up on a few weeks later and our friendship grew from there." Momentarily, the brunette's expression darkened and though her next words were difficult, he was the one person there was no point trying to keep in the dark.

"We grew close. Or, I suppose, as close as anyone could get where Altir was concerned. It was....difficult, at times. I have not found the interpersonal transition from Elasian society altogether easy at times and Altir was certainly no candidate for personal commitment." Though she spoke with a clear and frank tone, there was nothing Sonaata could do to keep the strain from showing in her eyes. Reigning love in was tremendously arduous and, at times, quite painful. She had always drawn strength from the fact that it was a burden they shared but now... Now that had become far more complicated. "He believed he could not pursue anything deeper and I wasn't altogether sure that I was ready for such a relationship myself, and so we drew a line in the sand and then kept well away from it." Slowly, as her eyes had drifted downwards as she spoke, Sonaata lifted her sad gaze again to meet Coltan's and added with a sad smile, "That was over three years ago."

Kerr sat opposite her, entranced by not only her beauty but the innocent honesty that enveloped her. “My… memory of all of that is sketchy, to put it bluntly,� he said, after a moment and another sip of hot tea. “I remember, but as if a dream I had last night that drifts away from my own grasp the more I try to clutch at it. The starbase is familiar, as is the visit to Trill, but more vaguely, I must admit. To me, you are like an old friend that I knew in childhood, that has come back to visit after I have all grown up.�

He smiled widely at the woman, and his eyes twinkled with such delight that it moved even himself to think of her. “You meant so much to him, you know,� he then offered. “He would never tell you, you remember, but you did.�

A faint blush crept across Sonaata's cheeks but her only response was to rise and disappear into her bedroom for a moment. It was true that Altir had not always been the most verbose when it came to expressing his feelings in words but Sonaata was no teenager in need of reassurance, or at least that was the attitude she took. His actions, the depth of emotion in his eyes; she'd had her signs and she had treasured them even though it was rare for the two of them to speak directly about their relationship and the choices they'd made. Sonaata had respected that. Altir Kerr had been a man of many responsibilities and distractions were only likely to be harmful. As it happened, he was also a man of many secrets and it was not in her nature to pry. If anything, he had treated their friendship like an oasis, rarely discussing work or professional concerns when they spoke and Sonaata had known, had always known, that he'd taken comfort from that escape. It had been enough for her.

Emerging quickly, she crossed to the couch Coltan was sitting on and perched herself next to him, her body turned towards him as she lifted the small, wooden box in her hands and presented it to him. It was intricate without be ostentatious, much like the tea setting, and though it had no discernable clasp, it was not heavy enough to be a solid piece of wood. It was a container of sorts but not one that was supposed to be opened easily. "This is predominantly my reason for being here. There are many reasons for why I may have longed for it regardless, but this is my permission. He didn't tell me why," she added, "Only that you would remember when the time came."

Kerr looked at the decorative box in wonderment. The oak was ornate and carved with golden, swirling flourishes. He narrowed his blue eyes onto it with a sense of suspicion and then flicked them swiftly up to meet Sonaata’s. “Excuse me for just a minute,� he said as he quickly left her quarters. Not moments later, he returned, a purple velvet cloth placed delicately in his hand and balanced before him. He sat back down smoothly opposite her again, and unveiled the plush material. Held in his hand was an identical box, given to him by Altir.

“He gave me this when he first arrived onboard the Archimedes,� Kerr said slowly and markedly. “Inside, a single band of silver. Something of my mother’s. He said that all would reveal itself in due course, and that I would understand once he had passed… I don’t. Not as yet, at least.� He thought silently to himself and offered Sonaata the box to examine. “Why would he have you deliver a second, identical box?�

"I don't know," Sonaata replied honestly, a phrase she had to use all too often when it came to discerning Altir's motives. She hadn't been aware of the second box and though she'd registered mild surprise when it was first produced, she was hardly surprised that the matter had become more intricate than she'd originally believed. "They may be related or they may not be. Certainly he wouldn't have left anything to chance, however. Whatever the reason, he would be fairly certain you'd either remember or find the information to make sense of it eventually."

“Altir was many things, but he certainly was decided. The box has to have another meaning, I just can’t for the life of me remember what. In fact, it makes no connection in my mind even now.�

He looked softly at Sonaata as she sat across from him. “I – I would like you to stay with us for a spell, if you would. We are just about to be sent on a mission and I would greatly like you to join us… to join me, at least.�

For the first time since boarding, Sonaata's heart skipped a beat for reasons beyond nervous uncertainty. Much as she was an engima to him, Coltan himself was also an unknown quantity, a man who had access to another man's thoughts and feelings and who, though he couldn't yet make meaning of those memories, stood at least a reasonable chance of securing Altir's legacy in the long-term. The man she had loved was dead and this man now carried with him far more than the usual breadth of recollections that could keep a person's spirt alive well after they had passed on. Kerr was still alive, still quite dormant for a while as she had been told to expect. When it really came down to it, Sonaata had no idea how much of the Altir Kerr she had fallen in love with was the host and how much the symbiont could take credit for and the possibility that at least some of that personality could be transferred to another vessel was....well, it was unique, she'd concede that much. Daunting was perhaps also an apt description but fretting about it would do no good. Each day would reveal new signs and today his tentative request was a particularly comforting one, even if that comfort was derived rather guiltily. Tomorrow might bring a new story, but today.... Today he still wanted her around.

"Of course," she replied simply, her warm smile having no trouble reaching her eyes this time. "I'm here as long as you need me."

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More intrigue! brought to you by:

Captain Coltan Kerr
Commanding Officer
USS Archimedes

and

Sonaata Parr
Elasian Ambassador
USS Archimedes

 

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